After three years retirement from stripping, I missed the pole. One of the first things a dancer ever told me was: the pole is your friend. I got very good at dancing with a pole. The occasional stage that didn’t have one left me feeling lost and unbalanced. A stripper needs her pole.
So when I purchased one and had it installed in my bedroom, I was ecstatic. I looked forward to losing weight and doing sexy shows for my man. What I didn’t expect though, was the return of my confidence, sensuality, and feminine power.
I’d never really learned any incredible pole moves while I was dancing. I was too uncomfortable about making an ass of myself whilst shaking my ass in front of the customers. Most of my pole moves consisted of dancing around the pole, leaning against it, bending over towards it, and some rudimentary spins.
But armed with a cd player, a mirror, and the solitude of my bedroom – my own personal pole became my one-woman vertical trapeze. Overnight my arms started to look cut and my legs bruised. Every day I would put my son down for his nap, turn on the music, and become a sex goddess for no one’s viewing pleasure but my own.
All those ‘ladies gym’ debits from my bank account, and all the flabby tummy in the world, couldn’t inspire me to workout. But the promise of feeling sexy, sensuous, and shapely overcame me like wildfire. A wildfire that started in my hips, moved to my torso and breasts, and settled back down in my yoni creating an insatiable desire for the sex that had been lacking in my relationship ever since I’d been pregnant with my youngest child.
I was so inspired that I wanted to share my epiphany with every woman I met! Most of my family members declined my invitations to come over and swing around the pole. Most of my friends found my exhortations on the benefits of the pole amusing but not enticing.
In my usual over-the-top way, I decided to bring pole dancing to the multitudes. But not as an exercise regimen, although that is a wonderful side benefit. I wanted to help women find their vixen within – and I just knew that I’d be the perfect person to do it!
I am a short, brunette, small-breasted, mommy-tummy wielding, mother of two. And my greatest asset is my ability to make others feel comfortable and accepted. I was a stripper for seven years, so I could use that experience to create my lessons and have the added ability to give advice on other sexual topics like shaving, walking in high heels, and taking your g-string off gracefully.
So I started my own business. I knew there were lots of other pole dance companies out there, but they mostly focused on the exercise component of the activity. I wanted to focus on the sex.
Deep within every woman is a sexy vixen bursting at the seams. In this repressive culture that marginalizes sex industry workers and condemns any woman who expresses her sexuality, we tend to bury it. We dress ourselves down preferring function over fashion, shun women we consider to be dressing or behaving inappropriately, and resent men for being visually stimulated by them.
In our efforts to play down our natural power as sensual beings, the need to express our sexuality can build to a breaking point. Then we have a few drinks on a special occasion and suddenly find ourselves expressing our sexuality so outrageously that it seems impossible we’ll ever live it down. And maybe we won’t…
The societally-imposed shame over women’s sexuality doesn’t affect only women. Men are victims of it too. They are made to feel inadequate and guilty for having the natural tendency to look at women who unintentionally display their sensual power.
We speak vehemently about the dangers of instilling sexual dysfunction in our children and work vigorously to ensure they are not shamed for masturbating when they’re two years old or attempting a French kiss with mom when they’re four. But when they are thirteen and at the height of hormone hell, we call girls whores for wearing low-cut tops and punish boys for surfing porn sites on the internet.
Magazines and television shows encourage women to be sexy and men to be voyeurs. This is a reflection of reality. However, media perverts our natural abilities and tendencies in a harmful way by requiring the women they hire to have unhealthy body weights and otherwise impossible standards of “beauty” that are unachievable by most women.
This teaches our girls that they aren’t good enough and our boys to have unreasonable expectations.
It is with all this in mind that I started The Vixen Within. Being a stripper taught me that not all men have such ridiculous expectations of women. They are grateful and respectful of women with all body types. Far from being the media “ideal,” I was still well-liked by the audiences I entertained.
I saw women with big backsides, and curvaceous frames – who would normally be insecure about their bodies in regular circles – be confident, sensual, crowd favourites. I learned that all women are considered beautiful by men. What we are exposed to in the media is a farce. Men love REAL women – stretch marks, cellulite, zits on their asses, and all.
I wanted to tell other women this. I wanted to give them information they could use to find their vixen within and let go of the insecurities forced upon them by popular culture.
But above all, I wanted to give women back their natural sensual power. Sensual power is not about manipulation or promiscuity. It is the opposite of those things. It is confidence and control. It is embracing what is natural in us as women. A woman who values and embraces her sexuality does not compromise her values. She is not vulnerable to insincere flattery. And she does not feel threatened by other women.
This is liberation! I am freed now that I can appreciate the beauty of the women around me rather than envy them or punish them for their sexual expression. I am freed from the fear of being labeled a “whore” now that I can see how it has been used to oppress us.
I say, let the “whore” found buried in your “hormones” be free. Take back what’s already yours. Stand against the shame forced upon women and men around sex. It’s not only good for your sex life. It’s good for your soul.