Monday, July 30, 2007


A recent conflict in my relationship made me realize very profoundly how dependent I am on my partner financially. A close friend of mine, when offering advice, added that this particular conflict has led to an opportunity for me to get back to myself - do what I want to do without concern for harming my mate. Specifically, if I want to get back into dancing, I can. Well, not only do I miss dancing, resent people who say I can't speak about it because I'm not doing it anymore, and love the thought of going back with all my new pole moves - but it would comfort me and empower me to be less financially dependent again.

So I decided to go back to dancing part time. The first obstacle to that was my stomach. Ever since I had my son (just over two years ago) my stomach has been a source of dis-ease for me. I have complained, struggled, felt insecure, and turned the lights off for sex because of my stomach. I've felt that I'll never lose it. But the decision to go back to dancing changed all that. In one week, I have already lost most of it. I haven't changed my eating habits, but I've been going for long, brisk walks, spending more time on the pole, and focusing on tummy exercises. It doesn't look like it did - all smooth and non-existent, but if I tense my stomach muscles - it is flat, if a little wrinkly. I am going to keep up the working out, then start taking on short gigs - Sundays, one or two night gigs, maybe cover some shifts on evenings or weekends - just to supplement our income (and to know that if I ever find myself alone, I won't be destitute).

I realize suddenly that there was only one thing keeping me from losing my mommy-tummy - my belief that it would never go away. All I had to do was become determined to lose it, and it's on its way. Well, I'm off for a brisk walk to the grocery store with my kids. Before that I'm going to do 100 hip rolls in each direction. When my son naps later, I will workout on the pole. Then in three or four months when I've gotten my tubes tied and I can go off the pill, I will lose whatever is hanging on from the hormones that make my body think I'm pregnant. Whether I start dancing again before that is yet to be determined. But I'm pretty sure I'll be doing a show at ED4C5. Yay!

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