Friday, August 17, 2007

Cock-blocker or Nut-nuzzler - what kind of feminist are you?

Dedicated to Susan Davis and Ryann Rain

How can I be a feminist when I used to be a stripper, continue to associate myself with sex industry workers, and even advocate for the right of women to be sex industry workers?

To most people, feminism clearly opposes sex industry work. There have been studies, books, and loud angry white, middle-class women saying so for years now. They say sex industry workers perpetuate women’s oppression. That one statement excludes me from most peoples’ understanding of feminism.

But, as my friend Susie says, there are two streams of feminism. She calls them “Cock-blockers” and “Nut-Nuzzlers.” I belong to the Nut-nuzzler category.

Unlike Cock-blockers, Nut-nuzzlers value men and their contribution to our lives. We respect and admire their manly natures, macho characteristics, and raw masculinity. We forgive them when their behaviors inadvertently hurt us.

We recognize that men are products of a society that criminalizes them and shames them. Therefore, we seek to create harmony and healing with men through love and acceptance. Men are our allies, partners, and friends – not to mention, our fathers, brothers, and sons.

We are women of varying sexual orientations who love men of varying sexual orientations. This isn’t about sex, although it can be extended there.

Cock-blockers are the reason for sexual harassment laws that make every woman a victim. And when you are perpetually a victim, you are also by default perpetually suspicious, perpetually outraged, and generally perpetually angry.

Cock-blockers want a workplace free from flirtation. You can’t count on an appreciative gaze at work, now that everything is considered illegal. Gone are the precious days when a woman could expect to receive a well-deserved catcall when passing by a construction site. Now, even women can be accused of sexual harassment when complimenting a colleague’s breasts, displayed exquisitely in a low cut shirt.

Cock-blockers have persuaded other women to become hypersensitive to any reference to their bodies or sexuality. I too, a devoted Nut-nuzzler, have been subject to this kind of brainwashing. But I know it was learned because there was a time before my [cock-blocker] feminist education had begun when I was flattered rather than outraged.

Cock-blockers are the reason men feel guilty about their natural sexual appetites. From toddlerhood, boys are much more interested in their body parts and the pleasure they discover than girls. Ask any mother with both a son and a daughter. It is a common, amusing topic of conversation among mothers.

As a society, we’ve taken the Cock-blocker philosophy and demonized men’s abilities to be visually stimulated. Nut-nuzzlers use this understanding to their advantage. Knowing men are aroused most by what they see helps us to give pleasure to men, whether it is our husbands or our customers. And while we are handing out pleasure, we are teaching men about women. Men are much more open to these lessons when they feel accepted, valued, and loved.

Nut-nuzzlers know that when you free men from cock-blocker imposed shame, they are better, stronger men. What heterosexual woman wants a sissy-man anyway? We’ve created this world where we punish boys and men for showing appreciation of women’s natural beauty, and then that is precisely what we expect from them in our relationships.

Nut-nuzzlers celebrate women’s beauty, capacity for love, and desire to nurture. We are liberated from the victim mentality created when we look at all men with suspicion and contempt. We are filled with empathy and love when see how men have been victims of these beliefs as well.

Nut-nuzzlers believe that a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants without drawing unwanted advances, but we won’t deny that women will dress up to draw very-wanted attentions.

Nut-nuzzlers want equal pay for equal work, which includes work that is traditionally performed by women. But we also demand the right to enjoy sex industry work – which is also traditionally performed by women – and the various advantages we are subject to through such work.

Nut-nuzzlers oppose the feminization of poverty and recognize how simply being a woman creates obstacles to jobs, income, family security, and independence from abuse.

We are aware that sexual exploitation is occurring in the sex industry, but we don’t deny that it is happening everywhere. We don’t presume that because sexual exploitation is possible, that it is present.

Nut-nuzzlers are well aware of the inequities between men and women in our society. We want to see women’s jobs paying more, daycare costing less, options for stay-at-home mom’s of young children when relationships fall apart. We also see how choosing to have children, which only women can do, is often the biggest reason why we are turned down for jobs, lose the momentum of our careers, and go into debt.

But we have a very different approach to changing the world, us Nut-nuzzlers. Rather than condemn and exclude, turn our noses up and be prudes, we embrace. We stay out of people’s bedrooms (unless we’re invited or getting paid to be there;). We attempt to put blame away and seek solutions that work for everyone – including men.

And this, I fear, is the reason for the premature demise of the [cock-blocker] women’s movement. Not only because the movement was so far from being unified by alienating the women who choose to love men. But also because, as popular motivational speakers tell us today, we attract to ourselves what we put out. A movement that excludes, rejects, puts itself above others, or generally expresses judgment and hate is doomed to die without question.

Cock-blocker feminism has done all these things to men and much of it to women as well.

This provides Nut-nuzzler feminists with a lesson we must not forget if we are to blossom as a movement. Exclude no one. We must not judge or condemn the cock-blockers of the world.

We must respect everyone, man or woman, equally. We must acknowledge the pain and suffering that has led to Cock-blocker feminisms. But now is the time to move on. Let’s stop being victims and start being women again. And let’s let men be men, while we’re at it.

I deserve a catcall or two when I walk past a construction site, damn it, even if I am pushing a stroller. I’m balancing work, activism, and motherhood. So, a little appreciation for my femininity is always welcome.

When a man tells me how attractive he thinks I am, I do the unthinkable in this day and age. I smile sincerely and say “thank you.” And I’m teaching my daughter to do the same.

12 comments:

Ryann said...

beautiful post!!! fucking perfect.

I'm proud to be a Nut-nuzzler!!!!

Scarlett said...

Gosh. I love it. Well thought out, Annie! Just when I think we're from completely different planets, you surprise me by giving voice to my thoughts. ;)

Isabella said...

Wonderful! Feminism should be about acceptance of all kinds, and everyone. You summed it up perfectly!

Jeffryv said...

Hi Trina
Have you been watching:
Mad Men?
Women in the 60's

jasonp said...

Great article. I think most women who call themselves feminists share the nut-nuzzler philosophy, which is very reasonable and positive.

Anonymous said...

This is brillian. You couldn't have said it better.

Annie Temple said...

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

to author of site - have you read the book 'Cunt: A Declaration of Independence'? i think you would find this to be a very interesting helpful food and would probably add too your feminist outlook in a very good way.

other than that, love the articles!

Annie Temple said...

No I haven't heard of that book. But I will definitely check it out. Thank you so much for the reference!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for creating this blog. I feel as though I've been making a transition from "cock-blocker" to "nut-nuzzler" for a while. But I have been struggling with trying to understand and see things in a way that left me feeling empowered and free from my anger. I knew I couldn't continue to be angry, because it was souring my relationships. But I just didn't know how to not be angry when the only feminist ideas I've been familiar with have been angry and divisive. I already feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders...

lola lala said...

excellent article!

many people (men and women) have misunderstood me when i say i am anti-patriarchy, they take it to mean 'anti-male'. nothing could be further from the truth. to paraphrase simone de beauviour, "neither men nor women live their bodies authentically under patriarchy". meaning it is a system that places unreasonable demands on all genders. i think the nut-nuzzlers get this.

ps. does this make feminist men cunt-cuddlers? lol

Mz. Scream said...

What about the men that want a nut-buster? Want to be put in line; punished and humiliated. Boning out from their purposeful shame?

I too am a nut-nuzzler, performing and living as a nut-buster...as sometimes...the men get one from the other. They are one of the same!

As long as one is consensual...who can complain?