Oh. My. Goddess. I'm getting married tomorrow. I've been waking up with panic attacks for the past several mornings. Heart racing. Feeling sick. My cousin said: Are you sure this is what you want to do?
I laughed. It blows my mind how clueless most people are about the magnitude of organizing something like this. Yes. I'm sure. I have nothing but love for my man and hope for my marriage. Even when we've fought lately, I've been completely sure still. He's the man I want.
When I look back, there have really only been two men for me in my life. My first love - a man from Kelowna that I still care about and remember with great fondness - and my husband-to-be. These two are the ones who have inspired lasting love from me. That's not to say I don't care for or love others. But there is a lasting deep respect that I have for only two men in my life. And I will marry one of them tomorrow.
We share a child (biologically) and he has become a father and wonderful role model for my (our) daughter. She sees two people who love each other and show affection to each other often. She sees a man who works his ass off every day - getting up early and making his lunch for work. A man who takes providing for his family seriously, who also appreciates what I contribute and provide for our family.
This is a man who tells me to go out and have a good time, while I struggle to begrudge him a night out with the guys. I am learning peace from him. I am learning to live in the moment. We have been through a lot together, but I see him learning about relationships the same I learned with my first love. I made mistakes in my youth with my high exectations and sense of righteousness. I still see some of that youth in my man. But I have also watched him grow up. He is almost five years younger than me, but so incredibly mature in some ways. I am blessed that he returns my love. We will be married tomorrow.
No. My anxiety is not about the legal sanctity of this journey I am about to undertake. I can be faithful to this man for the rest of my life. And now that my ativan is kicking in. I'm not having any anxiety at all. Even when I think about the infinite details that still need to be completed between now and tomorrow.