I'm thinking of changing my stage name to Trina Rose. I do so much business these days thru The Naked Truth using my real name "Trina" that it's a bit inconvenient having to explain my two names all the time. I am going back to dancing in February too, and honestly I feel like "Annie Temple" just doesn't suit me as a woman anymore. It sounds like a young woman's name.
I am still young, sure (at heart) but I am old in my soul. My experiences being a mother, having a chronic health condition, getting married and separated, among other things...they have aged my soul. I don't think a soul can "get old." I believe that when my soul ages, it is not about deterioration as it is when we speak of the body. It is about growth and wisdom. I thought I knew so much when I was young. Now I realize that I know practically nothing at all except that being happy is the only purpose of existence.
I am like a new person in a similar, yet slightly used, package. I feel new because I am starting over again. Perhaps a new name for this new woman is in order.
So now I am Trina Rose. When you call me on my phone, I can say "you've reached Trina" and you will know you have reached the person you are looking for. As time goes on I will probably hear less and less: "Hi Trina, I'm looking for Annie Temple. Can you put me in contact with her?" Why certainly, let me just pass the phone (change ears).
I went public with my real name after running Surrey Girlz, an outreach and drop-in service for street-based sex workers in Surrey. The year of Surrey Girlz (2005), I did a lot of media work using my real name. So in 2006, when the Breast Cancer Society of Canada wouldn't accept our donation from Exotic Dancers for Cancer, my local newspaper friends felt uncomfortable publishing my picture using "Annie Temple" after they'd already published my picture with "Trina Ricketts" next to it throughout the previous year.
I gave it up then, the attempt at secrecy - which really was no secrecy at all considering almost everyone who knew me knew I had two names. Mostly I'd feared psycho, sex worker-haters, finding out where I lived and endangering the lives of my children. I am happy to report that both pre-Trina and post-Trina, I have not been harassed by any would-be psychos. In fact I received very little negative feedback over the years. At least much less than I'd expected.
But I digress. When the papers came out in 2006 using my real name, I became a little more public. My grandparents found out I'd been a stripper. My husband's grandmother found out I'd been a stripper. My mom was embarrassed of my public admission of prior sex work experience, but she'd gone through most of that when I initially went public, using "Annie Temple". For the most part, I received lots of support and acceptance. It actually seems as though keeping the secret made me MORE vulnerable to condemnation than being out did. Crazy, isn't it?
Now, even crazier (in a good way), is the fact that I am returning to dancing. I will no longer be a "former exotic dancer." I will shake my money maker again! Will it be difficult for people to stop seeing me as Annie? Will my mom be horrified when she finds out...again!?
I have a lot of questions and a bit of anxiety about coming out of retirement. For one thing, I haven't felt truly sexy in a long, long time. Since before I was sick. And although I was only sick for a year and a half. It felt like an eternity. I look forward to finding my inner sex goddess again. I think that at the end of serious relationships, there can be a loss of that sexy feeling. You can lose "sexy" along with "companion" when "companion" becomes a four letter word.
I'll admit it. I'm in that place. A little angry at the world. A lot angry at my "former spouse." But I manage it and contain it well. I'll deal with it when I have more time. ;)
I'm also a bit insecure about my body. It was so smooth and muscular when I was dancing before. I still have a muscular frame (by birth) but it's not the same tight little package it was. LOL
Will people expect me to be better than I am because I am vocal about the industry? Or will it help me make money? Will my loudness get me some business?
All I know is that I'm just going to be myself in 2010.
Trina Rose is the me I will be. I will be sexy again. I will perhaps enjoy men again. (Maybe I'll enjoy women for a little while first.) I will dance again. (I lied in my bed so many times when I was ill, mourning because I thought I'd never dance again.) I will be strong again. (It's been decided. I made it happen by myself.)
Fuck all those doctors who treated me like a hysterical woman. Fuck my ex husband who never realized what a good thing he had. Fuck my ex husband's mother who judged everyone but the one she should have judged (herself). Fuck them all. This is my life. This is my time now. I was sick but now I'm well. I was lost but now I'm found.
Hallelujah. The Year of Trina Rose. It has arrived. ;)