Naked Truth Awards the first awards show of its kind in Canada
June the 9th (6-9, get it?) marked the first sex industry awards show in Canadian history, as the inaugural Naked Truth Adult Entertainment Awards horned up Vancouver’s Rio Theatre. Hosted by the ravishing Samantha Mack, who fought a losing battle with her attention-loving nipples throughout the evening, this 3-hour-plus marathon featured many weird and memorable moments—and none more so than the presentation of the ‘Best Pussy Squirter’ award:
Samantha Mack: Our ‘Best Pussy Squirter’ winner has been pussy-squirting professionally for five years. A self-proclaimed orgasm superhero, she can squirt up to 35 times in a row—four feet across the room—and can give self-facials…. She starred in a pussy-squirting girl-on-girl fetish DVD called Jizztank: the Legend. She was pre-nominated for [Adult Video News Awards] ‘Best Specialty Title’ in 2006. Her squirt shows are great for stags, stagettes, poker nights, birthdays, bar mitzvahs—what?—sports events or private parties. She squirts her come multiple times and it’s fun and entertaining for everyone. Her name is Mz. Scream.
[Mz. Scream takes the stage to enthusiastic applause]
Mz. Scream: I have to read this thing because, um, my memory is tough sometimes. It’s so tough—I orgasm so many times that I can’t remember what I had for breakfast sometimes. Well, I wanna say thank you—we help to put the word ‘penis’ back in ‘happiness’—and I am so happy today, and it’s so nice to get this wonderful award. I was thinking today, “Who do I thank for a biological function?” Do I thank my mom, or will she be mad at me for thanking her [for] this kind of award? Or do I thank our Creator, or do I thank my Kegel muscles? I have no idea who the fuck to thank, but I’m very thankful—
I’m thankful for all the people that voted for me. I mean, obviously there’s other people in the world of adult film that are amazing squirters. Like Cytherea! I was up against Cytheria, and she can squirt ten feet across the room and hit the corner, and have it slide down, and have a big, it’s almost like a seizure—and I beat her, so thank God for people’s choice, thank you to my faithful fans—
You know, sometimes as an adult entertainer or performer, we don’t always feel over-appreciated in our work, even though we are going out of our ways to make other people happy—and I think that it’s really important that we have a time in our lives when we can be appreciated for what we do, because, as employed Canadians, we are actually providing something to the world and deserve to have some sort of credit. We are a community, and we can be proud of our accomplishments.
As far as the squirting goes, I wanna thank Dr. Ellen Wiebe, because she was an actual doctor that, uh, pretty much stuck an ultrasound inside me… and did all these amazing medical scientific tests to prove that women can actually squirt. And so I have to thank Doctor Ellen Wiebe for validating that women can have a big, huge, squirting orgasm too…. I’d also like to thank one of the [other Naked Truth Award ] winners, Zoe—the hoe from ZoHo—for giving me a nice dumpster fuckin’ hairdo today. I’d do her in the back any day…. Thank you, everybody!
What can I say? The Naked Truth Adult Entertainment Awards is a first-crass vacation from conventional awards-show fare, and I hope that, like ‘Best Male Striptease Artist’ Aaron Aries, they can keep it up forever.
The Naked Truth Adult Entertainment Awards are presented by NakedTruth.ca.